Crushed but not Flattened

You guys, yesterday sucked. Yesterday, the CFF announced that due to the COVID-19 (coronavirus) risk, the in-person VLC was canceled. It was the right decision and I think everyone would have made the same decision had we been put in that position, but it still hurt like hell.

In order to explain why it hurt so bad, I first need to share what the secret was: 

I was chosen as this year's recipient for the Alex Award, an award honoring the late Alex Deford (daughter of the late Frank Deford) and such HUGE honor!! That was the main reason they were sending me to DC and moderating the panel was the cherry on the sundae. This truly was a once-in-a-lifetime privilege that would've outlived me on the YouTube stratosphere.

I found out about the award back in November and have had quite the journey since then. When they first told me about the award, I cried tears of disbelief and honor, but within hours, they became tears of unworthiness and self-doubt. 

It was a challenge to process, but a welcomed challenge as I knew it would lead to self-growth (which it did!). During the past few months, I've worked on "owning it," allowing myself to sit in the discomfort of the acclaim, and focusing more on the opportunity to spread my message far and wide. The more my focus shifted, the more excited I became. By February, I was so freakin' excited!  

I was excited to share my message, but I was even more excited to share it with those who were going to DC to celebrate the moment with me. To have a personal support system willing to go out of their way to celebrate your successes is truly one of the greatest gifts there is and I felt BEYOND lucky! Mom, Myles, Carol, Didi, Fahima, Diana, and Debbie, we may never get a picture to capture that special moment, but it's forever engrained in my heart. I love you so! 

I was excited to reconnect with friends I haven't seen in too long and to show Myles some of DC. My mom couldn't attend 2018's NACFC when I spoke and we were both excited for her to be able to attend VLC with me. 

I was excited to meet new CFF friends in person and reconnect with old ones. Since the infection control guidelines are so strict with CF, it's a REALLY big deal to be able to attend in person. Being in the same room with someone takes a connection to another level and that can be easily taken for granted until you can't have it. I've been so fortunate to meet some amazing friends in person at both NACFC and an in-person meeting I had the privilege of going to a few years ago. That in-person connection solidified our bonds and I am grateful for each one.  

Last but not least, I was so excited to have Myles in the audience for the panel and the award. It was important to me that he sees that just because I don't leave the house to go to a job, I still work hard to make a difference and help others. 

Months of hard work went into this conference--not just by me, by many and it's super disappointing that so much of that hard work will never make it out into the world. I have to believe that all of our intentions will make their way into the world somehow, someday, someway. 

I can't help but laugh at all of the wasted energy I put into the conference:  planning the perfect outfits, writing and rewriting my award acceptance speech--y'all I even watched stupid makeup tutorials on YouTube!! Who am I?!

Most of the conference was permanently canceled but there will be portions of it live-streamed on Friday, March 13th from 1 - 4 pm. Our CF adult panel will still take place but our allotted time was cut in half, so now were's scrambling to figure out the best way to cram so many meaningful nuggets into 30 mins. They haven't announced what time the panel will go on, but I will keep you posted. 

They also haven't decided how they're going to handle the awards yet. 

Yesterday, I was a bucket of tears. The feelings of disappointment were too strong and I had to get them out. Had I written this post yesterday, it would've been raw and laced with profanity. I had to feel it in order to work through it and I did. By last night I was in a much better place and today even better. However, I did realize that I was selfish in my feelings. It wasn't just me who was heartbroken, so was my support squad who was going to the conference with me. We had all imagined those moments for so long, it was going to make for epic memories. 

Going through this disappointment also highlighted all of the amazing support I'm lucky to have in my life, including some crazy signs from one of my guardian angels. Life is better when you have amazing people in it, that I know for sure!