Good News l Bad News

Back in May, my doctor and I were debating whether or not I needed to go into the hospital to start IV antibiotics. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing the summer with my family though, so I pleaded my case to wait until September. My doc agreed and during the summer I was kept afloat alternating oral and inhaled antibiotics instead. 

Even though I didn’t feel "great," I managed to stay healthy enough to enjoy the summer and made lots of priceless memories. Then, a few weeks ago, I began to unravel and once Labor Day rolled around I knew a hospitalization was looming, yet I felt greedy; I wanted to enjoy autumn as well dammit! Which begs the question: is there ever really a good time to be out of commission?

Alas, I had to face the reality that my body can no longer keep up and the hospital is what’s best, like it or not. Since the spring, my PFTs having slowly declined 14%, I’m losing weight because my lungs are working so hard to breathe, it physically hurts me to take a deep breath, my muscles feel as though I just finished an Ironman, I’m not sleeping because of my constant cough, my brain feels scattered, and caffeine is the only thing keeping me functioning.

It’s been a whopping seven months since I ended IVs and for that, I am extremely fortunate! Truly. Yet I feel stuck square in-between feeling grateful and optimistic and feeling dread about what’s coming. 

The optimist in me is trying to think positive and stay grounded in all my good fortune. While past experience keeps reminding me that my body's about to be highjacked. The IV meds render me useless for weeks and my breathing doesn’t rebound until even more weeks once they're finished. So in that context, it's more than likely that the next 6+ weeks are going to physically suck. That’s a hard pill to swallow (pun intended). 

That's the bad news...well that and having to leave Myles and miss out on fun fall activities with him. The good news is that I got to spend the summer making memories with the fam and that the negative thoughts happen less often than the positive ones. I suppose this whirlwind of emotions is what makes me human. 

Yes, I may feel sadness a few times throughout the day, but I feel a lot of beautiful emotions too. How lucky am I to be alive and able to feel emotions at all? VERY. I know how lucky I am and that is what keeps me anchored. I will surrender to the sadness as it arises, continue putting one foot in front of the other, and make the most of a sucky situation. 

The plan is that I will be admitted on Wednesday and will stay in the hospital for about 5 days, then continue several weeks of IV abx from home with weekly outpatient visits. I am looking forward to seeing my hospital friends, bracing myself for “side effect hell,” and trusting that 6-7 weeks from now I’ll be feeling human again and able to enjoy the holidays with my family. 

No matter how I end up feeling, I am lucky to have the privilege of feeling.