Wonderful-ish

According to our culture, this is the most wonderful time of the year. But what happens when things aren't so wonderful?

It can be hard. It doesn't matter whether you're having a hard time physically, emotionally, spiritually or all of the above, as the world carries on around you and the hustle and bustle of the season leaves little time for meaningful connections with others it can leave you feeling really isolated.

I can relate because the past two weeks have been a little challenging. Despite being on IV antibiotics for 11 days, I have continued to slip backwards. After the first week my PFTs dropped 8% and my symptoms were unimproved/worsened. We had decided to give the meds a little more time to work, but now it's clear that this medication cocktail isn't doing the job, so we are changing one of the meds and hopeful that will work. At the very least it will be better than eggnog. 

It's a little disappointing because I had the expectation to be improved by now. Spreading joy and connecting with others is my jam and I have felt physically very limited in doing so. And though I live with a very magical 4 year-old and loving husband, there have been times when I've felt very alone. Alone because at the end of the day, it's my spirit being held hostage in an angry body. It's my spirit that wants to get out and do so much more than my body's up for. I miss 'my people' and getting out to connect with them, and yet much of the time my body wants to curl up under a blanket and hide. A mental/physical disconnect to say the least. 

I thought long and hard about whether or not to write about this. I don't for one second want pity or to be looked at like I'm fragile. I only chose to write about it because I know that there are other people out there who can relate and I want them to know that they're not alone. And they're not forgotten. Plus you know I like to 'keep it real'; life is not roses and rainbows all of the time.

What's helped me during this time is said magical 4 year-old, who is the epitome of wonderment and joy. I can't help but smile when he's around. I do have my moments of feeling the disappointment and frustration, but I also try to get out of my own mind/misery by focusing on the people I know who are going through so much more. They are the ones that keep things in perspective. This is also where gratitude comes in and how much I do have to be grateful for! Lastly, joy. While I am not capable of doing everything I'd like, I am persistent in doing something--some small acts of kindness wherever I can. Something is always better than nothing.

I wish you all the utmost happiness and joy; I think about you more than you know. I also wish peace for others going through their own hard times. May we all take a moment here and there to remind someone that they're not alone. It's a far better gift than anything that can fit in a box. 

Love to all.