One Foot in Front of the Other

[Sigh] Thursday's appointment was a long one. There was much discussed, more testing ordered, and a few plans made.

The good: My PFTs (breathing tests) were up a few percentage points, my weight was up a few pounds, and we knew for sure it was time to give my body a much-needed break from antibiotics. My doc decided it was also time to pull my IV line.

The bad: I was literally in Interventional Radiology, lying on the bed waiting for my line to be removed when [BAM!] I had another episode of hemoptysis (bleeding from the lungs). I immediately emailed my CF team and it was decided I would keep my line in a while longer and consult with my IR doc about another surgical procedure (pulmonary embolization) to manually stop the bleeding in my pulmonary arteries.

The ugly: After reviewing the frequent bleeding I've had over the past month, the amount of blood I've lost (based on blood work), and my most recent CT scan, it was decided that another embolization is, in fact, my best option. 

This was the last thing I wanted to hear. My head knew this was coming but my heart didn't want to believe it. The older I get, the harder this procedure is for me to recover from, and I'm just getting back on my feet, starting to make progress! Not to mention my immediate thoughts about putting Myles through yet another hospitalization in such a short amount of time and even more recovery time on my part, being a "not fun mom" (his words, not mine).

If I thought about past complications (i.e. ICU stint), the long recovery, or Myles, my eyes filled with tears. So instead, I took a page from Pink Floyd's book and chose the comfortably numb route. It was just easier that way. 

I've plunged into survival mode, doing my best to avoid more future 'what if' rabbit holes and taking things hour-by-hour. I will continue to do what I've done my entire life: Put one foot in front of the other, matter-of-factly marching through what has to be done. 

The procedure is scheduled for Thursday and usually takes about 6-7 hours. I will have someone post an update as soon as possible. I will stay in the hospital until I am stable enough to go home, hopefully not long. If need be, there will be plenty of time for me to fall apart once the sedation wears off next week. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Until then, forward march.

As much as I value the power of positive
thinking, I am also grateful for friends
who can sit in "the suck" with me.
Thank you <3