Help a Girl Out

The struggle is real folks!

I've been on IV antibiotics for 4 weeks now and it's been a bumpy road: several drug changes, crazy side effects, dipping PFTs, oxygen lows and anxiety highs. 

All of that only to end up back where I began (minus the heavy bleeding from my lungs.) My PFTs have rallied back from their drop and are exactly the same from when I began (which is good, I had just hoped to be a little higher.) My oxygen drops are better than they were a week ago, but still dropping with exertion. And I'm still having slight bleeding from my lungs.

So my doc decided I should do one more week of IVs and then we'll call it a day (which means I'll have been on IVs for both Thanksgiving and Christmas.) It's just been a lot. Lots of meds, trips to Boston, testing, home care visits and mental energy. That would all be manageable if it wasn't compounded by the holidays and all the work/energy that goes into them (I know my ladies can relate; our lists have lists and our brains are on overdrive!) Oh yeah, and don't forget the general 'life' stuff that didn't get the memo there's no time for it. It's been hard to fit everything in, namely all of my treatments and the times I have to stop what I'm doing and sit down with some oxygen.

The dichotomy comes when my feelings of frustration and disappointment are juxtaposed with my deep, moment-to-moment gratitude for the health I do have and how truly lucky I am. When the holiday madness/resentment is juxtaposed with such affinity, love and appreciation. So many thoughts and feeling swirling inside me 24/7 when all I wish is to be still and enjoy the present moment.

This is one of my most favorite times of year. Seeing all of the kindness, generosity, and positivity being spread all around (with the exception of grocery stores and malls) brings me an incredible amount of joy. I wish it could be like this year-round.

Despite feeling overwhelmed with all that's going on right now life is so effing beautiful, fragile and fleeting I just want to dig my heels in and freeze this time. The wonderment of my 5 year-old...the love my family shares...the kindness and generosity being shared...the amazing people that cross my path...all the little things...it brings me to tears.

I so badly want to be doing more. But the fact of the matter is that my body simply can't keep up with my spirit. Not to sound greedy--I'm extremely appreciative for all that my body has gotten me through and all that it does allow--I just want a tad bit more.

So, my friends, many have asked if there's anything they can do to help and the answer is, yes.

Since I feel so limited, you can help me by doing one small act of kindness this week. It doesn't have to be anything grand, just brighten up someone else's day and the chain reaction of positive energy will mean the world to me! 

Whatever you're wishing for, I'm wishing it for you too. 

Love, love, love <3