The Perfect Storm

Some of life's hard times don't come tied to a singular catastrophic event or wrapped in a warning label with directions on how to get through it.  Sometimes they slowly creep up on you so stealthily that you barely notice until one morning you wake up and wonder What the hell is going on?!?  Despite my best intentions and optimistic outlook in my last post, soon after I found myself in uncharted territory; a bit of a 'funk' if you will.  

In the thick of it I couldn't see the big picture and didn't really know what was going on.  All I knew is that day after day, I was becoming increasingly discontent and agitated, not like myself at all.  Then one day while having lunch with one of my nearest & dearest I had a breakthrough and began to figure things out.  I realized that, for me, I felt trapped amid a perfect storm of tribulations:

• Not long after my last post I had another episode of bleeding from my lungs that triggered another infection.  Between the CF and my autoimmune disorder, I was physically so miserable that I hated waking up in the morning because sleeping was my only reprieve.  
• Yet at the same time I wasn't sleeping well at all because of above conditions...and we all know how important a good night's sleep is. 
• Even though I tried my best to ignore them, the mortality reminders continued coming.
• Awareness proved to be a double-edged sword.  On one hand I was so happy that people were becoming more aware, but in the process I was beginning to feel like a poster child for CF -- not something I've ever wanted.  Suddenly it felt like more people were looking at me and seeing CF first, not Melanie who happens to have CF.  The fastest way to make me want to run in the opposite direction is to look at me with pity in your eyes.
• Because I was so low on energy, I had nothing in me to do anything for myself.  Twenty-four/seven I was either with my family, at a doctors appointment, or trying to rest.  Don't get me wrong, I feel beyond lucky to be home with Myles and I adore family time, but even Mother Teresa would've gone crazy without a little solitude.  
• CF had become like an octopus extending its tentacles into every aspect of my world.  I've always prided myself on being able to compartmentalize it, then suddenly it was everywhere and impossible to ignore.  I am not naive to the fact that it's a progressive disease and that the older I become the harder compartmentalizing will be, but I'm not there yet.
• Lastly, there were other 'life stress' completely separate from me.

I am a firm believer that once you 'identify the dragon' it loses its power.  By acknowledging what was bringing me down, I felt freed to formulate a plan to dig myself out of it.  Luckily I have an amazing support system who was able to point me in the right direction.  I needed to start focusing my energy on things outside of myself, STAT.  So I began with a tangible plan to do more of what made me happy, and little by little things started to shift.  Some of the things that helped included:

• Doing things for others.  As corny as it may sound, each and every time I do something for someone else, a piece of me lights up inside.
• Forcing myself to leave the house and connect with people.
• Exercise
• Reconnect with nature to ground myself and remember just how small I am.
• I try to find some time each day to be alone and/or do something that brings me joy.
• I spend a lot of time thinking about others who are dealing with a lot more than I am; sending them some positive, loving energy.

It didn't magically happen overnight, but I am feeling so much better mentally and physically.  Is my physical relief making it easier to be at peace or is my inner peace making me feel physically better?  Like 'the chicken and the egg' I'm not sure I'll ever know, but I do know that the two are inextricably connected. 

While I realize what's worked for me will not work for everyone, I feel an obligation to share that despite my pleasant and charming disposition (wink, wink) my life isn't always rainbows and glitter...most of it is, but not all.  If sharing my experience can help one person feel a little better or a little less alone, I am grateful.  

I think that every human being goes through hard times, which is why there are a million cliche expressions about the character they build.  But most cliches have stood the test of time because they hold a lot of truth.  That being said, I didn't come out of this hard time learning a grand life lesson, nor do I feel stronger coming out on the other side.  I do, however, trust in the resilience of the human spirit and hold steadfast to the importance of the human connection.